A letter to myself a decade ago

A letter to myself a decade ago:

You're 11 turning 16. You think you know it all, and, you do know a lot for an 11-year-old (keep reading those books), but you are also overtrusting. You'll make plenty of mistakes, and I'm sure I will keep on doing so too, just make sure you learn from them. Apologise when you should, be gracious in failure and defeat. However, stand up for what you believe in, keep calling out injustice and unkindness - try to do what's right even if it's hard.

Life is messy darling - please don't be fooled that these things only happen in the books you read and films you watch - you never know what's going to happen. Life will throw a lot at you, but you'll become stronger as a consequence. With every struggle, you will become wiser and kinder. You'll begin to understand others more than you ever thought you could, and they will be thankful that you will listen, so make sure that you listen more than you do now.

But please don't be afraid, they'll be some hard times, but you'll survive them, even if it will feel like you can't possibly make it through. You're happy now, but you'll soon realise that the world is cruel and you'll be cruellest to yourself. They'll be moments when you'll feel so low that it will feel like the whole world is filled with eternal darkness, but you must hold onto that hope you have because you have so much to live for and there are many people you care about you.

They'll also be some beautiful surprises - better than you can imagine. You will go to new places, meet new people and experience new things. You will fall deeply in love and understand why love is the most beautiful euphoric feeling. However, your heart will also break. But don't give up on love darling, keep loving with all your heart.

You will lose friends who will leave this world too soon, and you will lose friends you thought you needed like you thought you needed your baby teeth. You will also make new friends in unlikely places and keep some of the loyalist, most loving friends you have now. Always appreciate those who are there for you, they are the people we will love you no matter what, whether you are on the top step or down on your knees.

Keep dreaming, keep being too much, keep living.

Love from

Me x

War is not our past

Politicians wear poppies but gladly sell weapons to Saudi forces who use them to arm civil wars raging in the Middle East. 

War has always occur; and as long as Humans shall exist it will probably be so. But that does not mean we should not try to prevent it amd protect those whom it currently engulfs.

For many of us in the west, war is an archaic far fledge entity from the past, but for many war is an ever present reality. It is not something they can observe on a school trip to a museum because it already stares then in the face as they look upon the ruins of their classrooms.

We can change the channel, we can turn off the TV, we can turn down the radio or skip the page in the newspaper but they cannot skip the death and destruction, there is no off button on reality.

They try to escape just as we to tried to evacuate our children. They step on to an over crowded vessel accepting that they could drown and choke on the salty sea water but they accept the risk in the hope that there is something greater than the clutches of war.

We say never again but it still it continues. Because it is not our war to fight. Not in our interest. But I beg to differ, for surely it is in the interest of the human race to uphold peace and humanity for all its members. War is not the past, it is the present and we must continue to find peace in our future.

A reminder to appreciate who you are

Life goes by so fast, it's constantly filled with frantic commotion, things to do, places to be, and people to see. We become to tangle up in our own reality. The lens through which we see the world becomes smaller and smaller.

So here's a reminder to just stop a minute. To step back from everything. Stop worrying about the next thing you have to do. Stop agonising over things you can't change. Take stock, get a little perspective.

Appreciate what you have. Aspire to want better but do not pressure yourself. You will gain if you work hard but do not lose sight of the important things you do have, that if taken away, you'd sorely miss.

Appreciate those you love. Sometimes we take people for granted, we don't tell them how much we love them as much as we should. Value each person's contribution to your life, even the people who've hurt you, they've made you who you are.

Appreciate your health. Be kind to yourself. Look after the parts of you that need greater care. Have the strength to ask for help and trust in yourself and others.

Appreciate the world around you. There's so much beauty in everything. It what something means that makes it beautiful. Remember how places made you feel, remember the memories but don't forget to make new ones.

But most all appreciate yourself. No one else is you, remember you can change the world, your impact may be small but it will be felt. We all have a line to say in this play. Trust who you are. May you see the full value of who you are. 

It's okay to doubt

Am I good enough? Am I wrong and everyone else is right? Am I making the right decisions? Doubting myself seems to have become a hallmark of my daily life.

There is a constant inner self-critical voice in my head that analyses every thought, feeling, action and choice. It is like my head is a busy court, hearing case after case, but unfortunately, in this court, nothing is decided, the only ruling is doubt. I find myself no closer to answering the questions that the critical voice poses to me. It becomes exhausting, everyone around me seems to have some hold on what they are doing and I feel like I'm the only one who can't find the answers.

But the truth is if you too feel like me, you are not alone. I know from my experience, despite all the commentary in my head and the lack of confidence it bestows, I make sure the world can't see it. I hide behind a different social façade, I choose to portray an image that from the outside, I have two hands tightly grasped on the steering wheel of life. We are socialised from a young age that strength is desired above vulnerability and I worry that people will see this overly doubting self as weak. When you begin to doubt yourself and it feels as though nobody else is, remember: It is often those who seem most solid that are the most fragile, like skyscrapers on poor foundations. You are not alone and you are not weak, you are strong.

I can't tell you how to stop doubting yourself, I haven't worked that one out yet and thoughts can never be fully controlled. But just know that it is okay to doubt, it's part of life. Perhaps it is something in the age of perfection we are too scared to mention. Because doubt is in a way recognising that we as humans do not possess the ability of perfection - and this goes against the perfectionist ideals we are socialised into. However, do not be scared because nothing eases a doubting mind more than speaking about it with those around you.

Questioning Yourself - For fear or change?

Some things never change. The world around us evolves and manifests into something different but the core of ourselves remains ever present; unchanged. My fears seem never to go, at least, not for me. I like to think they have evolved with the world but the reality is they have not, my simple humanistic fears have not changed. I still find myself on cold winter nights, my head is littered with the thoughts of life and all its existential questions. And yes, I know it is futile to debate such things in my head because rationally I know I will never attain an answer; but alas I continue to search anyway.

But maybe searching for answers despite the knowledge that I will not find them isn't as pointless as I think. Yes, I may never know, but if I did not challenge the world in which I live how would I ever progress? Maybe it not about the answer. Maybe it's about the process and the answer is indeed wholly irrelevant. The process of questioning yourself puts you in a state of extreme vulnerability, you cannot hide behind the social self we present to the world. However, it is when we are most vulnerable and our thoughts most permeable, we can think beyond the mundane thoughts of everyday life, we can  think not just factually about our lives but evaluate and analyse them, we are able to look at ourselves objectively outside of our subjective selves.

The information this imparts is very powerful for it is extremely candid and truthful. It is able to find itself into that fearful core. Be we must resist this and look to use this information positively and constructively in order to improve the people we are. This information gives us that most amazing ability to change - but only if we allow ourselves to not be scared but empowered by it

The opportunity of disappointment

Sometimes things don't go the way we want them to; sometimes we see this coming and sometimes we don't.

I think disappointment can be felt so strongly because it is the un-fulfilment of our hopes, dreams and expectations, things that all run deep within us. Often hopes, dreams and expectation have been growing within us for years, getting bigger and bigger and growing with anticipation. But when this bubble filled with hope and dreams is burst after so long, you are left with empty space with all you're hopes and dreams scattering the floor of your stomach.

Empty space is something we are often not used to and this can makes it frightening and leaving us confused.

However, what we struggle to see is that this empty space gives us some clarity.

Clarity to see that maybe what we thought we wanted was not actually what we truly wanted. Clarity to see that perhaps we are looking for success in the wrong place. Clarity to see that the hopes and dreams that made us un-fulfilled, were because they were based on the hopes and dreams of others.

This clarity provides us with a chance to change, reassess the world and look to new horizons that before, were invisible

So if you've been disappointed today, whether it be because you didn't receive the results you wanted or because someone failed to show up when they said they would, don't worry. Easier said that done but when them nagging thoughts of anxiousness, confusion and disappointment run through your head just stay calm and look to the horizon (Where ever it may be) and let it remind you of the new horizons you can now see within yourself

Life is not a conveyor belt

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket'

But that seems exactly what a lot of young people feel pushed to do. A few weeks ago I had a careers programme at school, most of the hour was spent saying how well the school had done last year for getting X amount of students into 'insert prestigious university here', then about 10 minutes was spent calculating where we'd all fit in the schools grand master plan to get us all into some form of higher education and 5 minutes was spent glazing over the other options open to us. I felt like we were being pressured into university, it even felt as though it had already been decided for me,

Don't get me wrong, I think higher education is a great thing, amazing in fact but it made me a little sad to see how little time was spent looking at all the vast possibilities open to us as young people. I sat there and felt as though we were being carted along a conveyor belt being sorted by a careers adviser into good and bad eggs. Simply products of an examination factory ready to transported to the university deport. But life isn't that simple. Human beings are complex and then can't be sorted nor put a straight running production line, because unlike eggs we can decided to get off that conveyor belt, we can decided to stay on it, we can decided we want to leave now and return later and we can decide that we liked a join a different line.

What that conveyor belt really represents is life. We need to stop thinking about life as a linear pathway but a path that can twist and turn, bend back on itself, expand and contract sideways and constantly change. So if you feel pressured into taking what seems like the only path in or feel as though your going down a certain path because it's the 'expected thing' then stop for a moment. Realise that though you may feel people will judge because you don't have degree, is this going to make you happy? Is this what you want? If yes, keep going with your dreams, and if no - then the path your are on is not right for you. It's time to change direction and onto another journey, Not a failed one, not an unworthy one, just a different one. And believe it or not... different is okay